Surviving summer standards: Internal panic and endless diets

Summer – the season filled with so much joy whilst simultaneously filling me with so much dread. In spite of the sunshine shining upon our face, we spend it with the burden of being ‘unworthy’ as we don’t fit the ‘standards’. Now, I speak for myself when I say that, but I think the majority of us can agree that summer is the prime time for self loathing, and understandably so. Everywhere around us it is plastered that we need to change and conform to these standards, the standards that are unforgivingly unachievable. We’re told we need to shrink our bodies, ensure they’re hairless and our skin is flawless – the list is endless. It makes me question why existing just as you are, in your natural body, became such a demonized thing.

Diet culture and the beauty standards these days terrify me. They’ve always filled me with immense anxiety, but in this present day, the abnormality of what’s being broadcasted as normal is petrifying. So, with summer on the horizon, I hope this blog can speak some truth into your brain and serve as reassurance that you are worth so much more than your body – the vessel that holds your soul.

From a young age, I built a level of consciousness to the standards society holds, especially when it comes to summer. In turn, I learnt that my body wasn’t ‘good enough’. I look back and my heart breaks for that child who had such an awareness of the world around her, that she believed herself to be inadequate for it. Especially for women, we swiftly learn that our worth lies within our appearance and unless we present a certain way, we are simply ‘not worthy’. We are quickly objectified and believe that the function of our body is how we look, rather than a body that is a functioning machine.

I still struggle to this day with the torment that comes with these standards, but I can confidently say they no longer consume me. For a lot of my life, my years were defined by the season through the endless diets and internal panic over it.

Now, I want to preface this by saying eating disorders are an illness that can occur for a number of reasons and if you’d like to educate yourself you could read my blog about ED myths. But, I can see that when I became unwell, one of the catalysts within the reaction was the torment that accompanied summer looming over me.

I lost weight in the belief that I’d feel confident. I thought I’d be comfortable in a swimsuit and content within social gatherings. Those feelings never came, though the self hatred persisted. See, even at the extreme, I still didn’t believe I was good enough. I gave my all to these standards, and in return I lost all that I could give. I became a shell of myself.

Last year, I intentionally put a lot of work into de-centering my appearance and ‘beauty’ from my life. I questioned a lot why these standards existed. Who decided what beauty is? More importantly, why the heck does it matter? I’ve learnt to value the being I am more than the appearance I have because I know that I am a much better version of myself when I live that way.

It involves a lot of questioning the thoughts I have, though in a sense it has to. There are so many pesky ways of conforming that I’ve been conditioned to believe in and taking the moment to reflect on the true reasoning for the action is key. If that reason is to feel ‘better’ about myself through the act of changing myself – I know that stems from believing I have to, rather than truly wanting to. I try to make sure I’m being intentional with my time – if I spend hours getting ready each day, I know that the emphasis on my appearance leads to a day spent enthralled by it, whereas I know a morning spent perusing my passions makes for a much brighter day. I try to be mindful when buying ‘beauty products’ whilst questioning whether it’s being bought because of how it will make me feel, or whether it’s for how I’ll be perceived.

As morbid as it may be – a big thing that helps me is thinking about what Hope would be saying on her deathbed? I know for a fact she won’t be saying ‘I’m so glad I didn’t eat that Oreo on that random Friday afternoon because I was worried about how I looked for summer’. When that moment comes, I’ll be reflecting on all the marvelous memories – all that have no correlation to my appearance at the time.

There is so much fragility to our existence, it’s what makes the act of living such a precious thing. It’s easier said than done, but in those times where the pressure of perfection feels unbearable, ask yourself – ‘is it really that deep?’ Because in the grand scheme of things, your appearance is completely irrelevant.

Throughout the last year, I have also grown much more aware to the root of these standards. We live in a world that creates these insecurities and profits off of them in return. We invest our money into these nonsense products and invest our time into these nonsense standards. Can you blame us though? The pressure is perpetual.

I realize now how deeply intertwined to patriarchy it is and that so many of these standards link to keeping women tamed. By perpetuating the standard as slim, we stay small and malleable. How can one fight for what they believe in if they have no energy to do so? I have given so much to these standards and I still find myself doing so, but it helps to remind myself that they stem from peoples views that I despise.

Fitting into the standards will always be impossible. There will always be something new we feel a pressure to conform to, but isn’t our true beauty within our differences and all the things that make us uniquely us? So, as we step into this season of both pleasure and pressure, I want to remind you of some key things. As cliche as it may be, you are so much more than your appearance. The most beautifully, magnificent version of yourself is the one where you look after your brain and your body. You deserve to live freely as you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and marvel at the magnificence of such a wonderful time of year.

Worried about an eating disorder?