Emotions & ND
An emotion can be described as an automatic, subconscious (or non-conscious) reaction to something that happens. The basic emotions are joy, surprise, fear, disgust, anger, contempt, and sadness.
Emotions and feelings are closely related. Feelings can be described as a conscious reaction to an emotion, triggered by a situation or experience. For example, if a person feels threatened by something that they are seeing or a situation that they are uncomfortable in, they may experience fear
Life presents us with daily situations that can lead to our bodies reacting in unpredictable, automatic or unhelpful ways. Sometimes our thoughts are interrupted by emotions. These reactions and emotions can get in the way of how we would prefer to respond.
If we can understand the emotions and feelings that we are experiencing better, it becomes easier to manage them, communicate them and make better decisions.
Our brains are always subconsciously trying to keep us safe; it sends signals to the body when there is any perceived danger. These signals prepare the body to fight, run away or stand still. This is called the fight, flight or freeze response.
The fight, flight or freeze response can be triggered without a conscious understanding of what is happening. If we feel unsafe or are overwhelmed by our environment this fight, flight or freeze trigger can be very sensitive. This can feel exhausting.
Our bodies enter these states to protect us (‘survival instinct’). Humans have had this instinct for millions of years, and it was useful for fighting, hiding or running away from predators. However, sometimes this instinct can kick in in the present day when the threats are not as harmful. This can lead to going into fight/flight/freeze before realising there is no real threat. It can often take a long time to return back to your window and feel calm and safe again.
Fight or flight (also described as hyperarousal) can cause intense feelings and emotions including anxiety, aggression, hypervigilance (highly aware of potential danger/threat), impulsivity or fear. This might lead to certain physical reactions in our body including feeling sick, headaches or sweaty palms.
Freeze mode (also described as hypoarousal) can cause our bodies to shut down or feel numb. This can happen when we are faced with too many things that we find overwhelming. You might experience feelings and emotions such as fogginess, depression, fatigue, numbness or lack of motivation. This might lead to certain physical or behavioural reactions including sleeping much more than usual, avoiding social interactions and not being able to make decisions.
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage our emotions. Emotional regulation is also known as emotional self-regulation.
As described above, emotions are a normal part of our everyday lives. We all feel both comfortable and uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes, feeling some emotions can be too much, feel overwhelming or leave you feeling out of control. We describe this as ‘emotional dysregulation’.
Our brain is incredible and is what helps regulate our emotions. However, when we are extremely worried, sad or overwhelmed the emotional part of our brain can take over the logical thinking part, and we can ‘flip our lid’ (go into fight, flight or freeze mode).
This video explains the different parts of our brain and what happens when we ‘flip our lid’. This is also described as being dysregulated. When we are dysregulated, it can be challenging to think rationally, explain things and reason with others/ourselves.
Emotions and ND
Neurodivergent individuals can often find it more challenging to regulate their emotions and keep their ‘lid on’. Identifying, understanding and managing emotions can be more challenging, as well as experiencing higher levels of daily overwhelm and subsequent fatigue. This can lead to reactions which seem sudden and extreme compared to the original event or cause. It can also be more challenging for neurodivergent individuals to re-regulate themselves and calm down.
‘Your amazing brain’ tells you more about how amazing your brain is and the changes that happen to your brain as you grow into an adult.
Below is an extremely useful video called ‘Understanding emotions in autism.’ by Sheffield Children’s NHS Foundation Trust. It shows a picture of an iceberg to illustrate the difference between what people see (the tip of the iceberg), compared to what may be happening (under the surface). Although describing emotions for autistic people, the content of this video often applies to many neurodivergent children/young people, e.g., ADHD and DLD, or those without diagnoses.
What is Alexithymia?
Some neurodivergent individuals experience alexithymia. Alexithymia is when a person finds it challenging to identify, understand and describe their feelings, their emotions or their physical state. They may also have trouble distinguishing emotions from physical sensations. It can be described as a sort of emotional ‘blindness’.
Alexithymia is a Greek word which translates into ‘having no words for emotions’. Alexithymia is not a formal diagnosis that is given by a health professional, but you may recognise it in yourself/your child or they might identify as having it
Individuals with alexithymia might be able to tell that they are feeling something but can’t identify what. This means their feelings can be confusing, intense or overwhelming for them. It can also be challenging to understand what others are feeling. This may mean they incorrectly come across as uncaring or unsupportive.
Children/young people with alexithymia need additional time to process emotions. Situations where emotions are expected in the moment can be especially challenging. The Individual may rely on cues or phrases they’ve learnt. They may respond how they think others want them to. It can also make self-care challenging. It can be difficult to understand feelings such as hunger, pain, sadness or stress if you don’t recognise the cues.
I’m being tested for autism. I find it hard to control when I feel angry. I get wound up easily and I scream and hit out. It makes it worse if I get laughed at when I feel like this. I find it easier if they stop speaking and leave me alone while I try to control my feelings and calm down. I wish people understood that you cannot always control your anger.
Henry, 9
Support strategies for emotional dysregulation
Everyone is different; what works for some might not work for others and what works one day might not another. It is important to discover what works best for you/your child at different times. This may involve some trial and error and is likely to take time – it is important to go slow when introducing new habits and practices into your/your child’s life.
A helpful approach is often to build up a ‘resource bank’ of strategies that you/your child can use at different times. Some general support strategies are suggested below to get you started. You can also find out lots more information about supporting your/your child’s wider emotional wellbeing on the MindMate homepage .
General support strategies:
- Time and space. Give the individual time and space to express how they are feeling. Also give them time and space to calm down when they’ve been upset or overwhelmed.
- Reduce language. Talking a lot, asking questions and giving instructions to a neurodivergent individual who is dysregulated is likely to make them feel even more dysregulated. Use simple, short sentences, with lots of pauses in-between. It might be most helpful to not speak at all for a while but to stay with the individual to make sure they’re safe and they know you’re there for them when they need you.
- Timing. Choose the right time to discuss feelings and emotions, i.e. when you/they are calm and feel ok to talk. Trying to discuss complex emotions when an individual is dysregulated will be extremely challenging and likely frustrating for them.
- Don’t assume what someone is feeling. Their facial expression might not match your interpretation of their feelings and emotions inside.
- Label your own feelings regularly for your child. Explain simply why you feel that way. Be sure to label the positive emotions as well as the negative ones.
- Visual tools. Using visual tools such as pictures or objects that represent emotions (e.g. cushions or pebbles) may be helpful for some individuals. You/your child could decorate or label these items to represent different emotions in a way that’s meaningful to you/them e.g. colouring, decorating or adding stickers to pebbles to represent some key emotions.
- Visual checklists for daily self-care activities may help individuals who don’t easily recognise the cues for some of these tasks e.g. brushing teeth or showering
Specific support approaches
To help regulate your/your child’s own emotions, you can use a 3 stepped approach. Each step can help the next, leading to independent self-regulation.
Understanding – firstly, the individual needs to understand emotions as a whole, how different emotions feel to them and how to name the emotion. Emotional language can vary, i.e. worried, anxiety, scared, overwhelm. It may help to use a visual image/structure to have a shared language for the emotion. Try to follow the child/young person’s lead in the names of emotions.
Recognize – Secondly, the individual needs to learn how to recognise, identify and label their emotions. They need to link their emotions to the feelings and behaviours in their body. They may be able to say how they feel if you ask them, or they may need a little help – you can help by describing and labelling what you see, e.g. ‘I think you are sad because you are crying’. This can help them connect the descriptions to the feelings in their body. Talking about it in the moment can help make these feelings feel valid and normal, such as the fight or flight response.
Regulate – Finally, the individual needs to know what to do with the feeling/emotion/physical response and how to respond. Explore different regulation strategies together, e.g. saying ‘I feel X and I need X’, using breathing techniques with an app, having a quiet space to calm down, or doing a physical activity, such as jumping/running for 2 minutes. Each response will be different depending on the emotion and the physical response to the emotion.
It can be useful for parents/carers and practitioners to use ‘body mapping’ with children and young people. Body mapping can help to model and support the understanding of where emotions are felt in the body. For example, clenching your fists when angry, or noticing teardrops/wet eyes when sad.
These examples of physical changes in the body can be as simple or as complex as necessary. Some individuals with alexithymia may need this to be further simplified, to support the recognition of how their physical sensations link with their emotions.
A worksheet to support this activity can be found here
It can also be useful to do a body scan once or twice a day. By this we mean checking how all the different parts of your body feel at that moment. This could be focusing on how your breathing is, noticing if you feel awake or tired or if you are feeling relaxed or stressed. By doing this, you can figure out what state your body is in – you can then either remain as you are (if you are in your window of tolerance – see more below) or if you are in hyperarousal or hypoarousal. You can carry out some useful strategies or habits to get yourself back into your regulated state/window.
‘The Zones of Regulation’ is a helpful approach designed to support children and young people to understand how they’re feeling, recognise different facial expressions for different emotions, and find soothing tools to help them self-regulate.
It is a useful curriculum for teachers or caregivers to talk to their children about emotions and help them develop calming techniques and self-regulation too. More information, including the ‘The Zones of Regulation’ book by Leah Kuypers, can be found here
‘Blob Tree’ pictures provide a visual way for children and young people to express how they are feeling. Children and young people are supported to share which ‘blob’ character/s they identify with, in different contexts. This can lead to further conversations about why they feel the way they do.
There are a range of blob characters and tree ‘settings’ to support a range of conversations about different situations, emotions and environments. These can be a really helpful tool to use with individuals at home or school, one-to-one or in groups. More information, as well as how to buy the resources, can be found here
Energy metres simplify emotions down to a scale of ‘no energy’ up to ‘lots of energy’. These reduce the need for the individual to use emotional vocabulary. This can support expression of emotions for those who find it challenging to articulate their emotions through words or vocabulary. Autism Level Up has lots of resources around identifying emotions using the concept of energy levels.
The ‘Window of Tolerance’ model
The ‘Window of Tolerance’ model can be a really helpful way of assessing how we are feeling; it can help to acknowledge when we feel stressed and anxious and help to find ways to help us manage this stress.
The ‘Window of Tolerance’ refers to a state our nervous system can be in. Our nervous system is made up of our brain, spinal cord and all the nerves in the body. When our bodies are in the ‘Window of Tolerance’ state, we can deal with stressful experiences and intense emotions that happen in our everyday lives. We might feel stress, worry or pressure but it feels manageable.
Sometimes things in life can become too much for our nervous system to manage and we can shoot out of our windows, into hyperarousal and hypo arousal.
Sometimes we can benefit from going into hyperarousal e.g. getting upset to release any stress/worries, or getting excited, whilst at other times we may benefit from going into hypoarousal e.g. staying in bed to regain energy and recover. As noted earlier, our brain enters us into these states as a ‘survival instinct’ and these behaviours may be used as ‘protective factors’.
Therefore, this model is not about making sure we all remain in the window of tolerance all of the time. It is to help understand what our mind and bodies go through when we experience a stressful situation and why that might happen. With this understanding, we can find ways to adapt to our environments to suit our preferences and needs better. This will help reduce the unhelpful arousal and manage stress if this is something we want to do.
This model is not for everyone – you may not relate to this and that’s okay.
Everyone will have different size windows, with different reactions to stressful things in their lives. Your own window will be bigger one moment or day compared to the next. This will often depend on your own physical and emotional wellbeing and as well your environment.
If an environment does not suit an individual, they are more likely to become dysregulated and shoot out their window into hyper or hypoarousal. This is unfortunately often the case for neurodivergent individuals, e.g. in busy, noisy, unpredictable environments.
The bigger your window, the bigger capacity you have to manage day-to-day stressors without it bothering you too much.
Neurodivergent individuals can often experience more hyper or hypoarousal. This is likely due to differences in the structure and function of the nervous system and sensory processing differences alongside neurotypical expectations and environments around them. Regulating oneself back into the window of tolerance can also be more challenging, usually taking more effort, support and time.
Links and resources you might find useful
Autism Level Up
Autism Level Up has lots of resources around identifying emotions using the concept of energy levels.
Visit Autism Level UP! websiteZones of Regulation
‘The Zones of Regulation’ is a helpful approach to understanding how you feel and to help self-regulate.
Visit The Zones of Regulation websiteBlob Trees
Blob Tree pictures give a visual for children and young people to express how they are feeling.
Visit the Blob Tree websiteWhere do I feel my emotions in my body?
A worksheet to support understanding different emotions in our bodies produced by Oxford Health NHS
Get the worksheet